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The "Perfect" Guy/Transcript
DISCLAIMER ANDROID 18: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cut to the Hyperbolic Time Chamber with Goku carrying Gohan on his back) GOKU: ''(singing to "Giant Woman")' '♪All I wanna do is see you turn into a Super Saiyan, a Super Saiyan♪ ♪All I want to be is a dad who gets to see a Super Saiyan♪ (shows Goku and Gohan's training montage) ♪All I wanna do is see you turn into a Super Saiyan, a Super Saiyan♪ ♪All I want to be is a dad who gets to see a Super Saiyan♪ ♪Oh, I know that it'll be great, and I just can't wait! To see your hair golden, spiked and glowing♪ ♪If you let out your rage, just break out of your cage! Because you are at least half Saiyan♪ ♪Your power will rise like never before! Just tap into the power deep in your core♪ ♪It's waiting for you, for you to turn into a Super Saiyan! A Super Saiyan♪ ♪All I want to do is see you turn into a Super Saiyan♪'' (Goku now places Gohan down on a bed and pulls a blanket over him) GOHAN: (breathing heavily and then wakes up) I'LL WRECK YOUR WHOLE WORL--''' '''GOKU: Hey, son! GOHAN: Were you...watching me sleep? GOKU: Like a papa hawk! I don't wanna miss the moment you go Super Saiyan! GOHAN: Wow, it's been nearly three months in here, and you still think I can do it? GOKU: Well, yeah! If you don't, the whole world will be doomed! Or not... Maybe I can handle it. So don't sweat it! And get some sleep, son! GOHAN: Uh...yeah, okay.. (lays back on the bed and goes to sleep) GOKU: (thinking) Cause tomorrow, I'ma get you Super Saiyan!'' SEQUENCE (cut to The Lookout) '''PICCOLO: No, see, I'm definitely going with Krillin. Call it a safe bet, but I think his history speaks for itself. TIEN: You haven't known him as long as I have. Sure, he can be a little... *sighs* Well, he's a total bitch, but when we really need him, he's always stepped up. Vegeta, on the other hand... BULMA: Hey, uh, what are you two talking about? PICCOLO: Oh, we're just making a bet to see who screws this up. TIEN: See, he's betting on Krillin, but I'm betting on Vegeta... BULMA: Oh... I'll get in on that action. PICCOLO: Okay, Vegeta or Krillin? BULMA: Both. PICCOLO: Wow. TIEN: Damn. BULMA: *laughs* Please, I've been in this longer than the both of you. Although, if I had to pick who's gonna screw up first... (cut to Krillin, who's felling skeptical about shutting down Android 18) TRUNKS: (in the background) ...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... KRILLIN: (thinking) Okay Krillin, pull yourself together... She's right over there, standing there like a...mechanical angel. And all I have to do is push this button and...watch her explode...everywhere. Little bit of blonde hair here...her blue eyes there...and then it's done. I-I mean, she probably won't even feel it, or even know what happened, just her life...ended in an instant...by me...with no DragonBalls to wish her back when Cell dies... Oh, come on, Krillin! Be strong for one second in your worthless life, and push the stupid button! '''IF YOU DON'T, EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE IS GOING TO DIE! INCLUDING HER!!!' (realizes what he had just thought and slowly drops the detonator) Oh...'' (shift over to Vegeta and Trunks) TRUNKS: ...OOOOOOOOOOOOOO... VEGETA: Quiet, boy! (Trunks shuts up) Now, continue. CELL: Thank you. You see, my dear prince... VEGETA: Don't push it. CELL: Uh, you see, Vegeta, this is only my second form. I am merely Semi-Perfect. VEGETA: Wait, how can you be Semi-Perfect? You're either perfect or you're not me--there's no gray area. CELL: My point, is that this form was achieved by absorbing my brother, Android 17. And the only way I may obtain true perfection... VEGETA: Is to absorb the bitch. So, in summation, you get the Android, and I get a proper challenge! CELL: Oh, I promise you, Vegeta, you're going to get everything that's coming to you. VEGETA: Oh ho ho! Ominous! (cut to the Androids listening to Vegeta and Cell's conversation) ANDROID 18: He wouldn't...! 16, he wouldn't, would he?! ANDROID 16: Wouldn't you? ANDROID 18: No! ANDROID 16: ...I'm sorry, what are we talking about again? KRILLIN: (off-screen to the Androids) Hey! (Androids 16 and 18 look over at Krillin) ANDROID 18: (thinking) Whoa, it's the cute one. Was he hiding there? Wait, what's that on the gro--? (sees the detonator on the ground) (out loud) Oh, my God. KRILLIN: Uh, hi... ANDROID 18: Uh, hey... KRILLIN: Look, I just... Can I ask something of you? ANDROID 18: S-Sure? KRILLIN: (stammers) Please don't kill anyone! ANDROID 18: Wait, are you--? ANDROID 16: No deal! ANDROID 18: 16! ANDROID 16: Son Goku is a person! Therefore, he is part of "anyone"! Therefore, no deal! ANDROID 18: 16, calm down! I will get you a Goku! ANDROID 16: Do you promise? ANDROID 18: Yes! ANDROID 16: ...Proceed. ANDROID 18: Okay! Now listen, we weren't planning on killing anyone! ANDROID 16: Except Goku! ANDROID 18: We haven't even killed anyone thus far! In fact, the only thing we want dead right now is Cell! ANDROID 16: Also Goku! KRILLIN: Oh... Thank God, that makes this so much easier! (destroys the detonator with his foot) (cut to The Lookout) PICCOLO: Ha! And you owe me some zeni! TIEN: Oh, no... BULMA: All right, what did Krillin do? PICCOLO: He crushed the remote. TIEN: He did WHAT?! BULMA: That was twenty hours of my life! That dick! PICCOLO: And possibly the rest of it if Vegeta follows suit... TIEN: I don't understand! All he had to do was push the button and blow up the...the girl. BULMA: Oh, that makes sense. PICCOLO: I don't get it. TIEN: He really did it... He actually risked every life on the planet just for...for cyber sex! I didn't Kikohou myself half to death so he could get LAID! PICCOLO: Oh... Gross. (cut to Krillin and Android 18) ANDROID 18: Oh... Oh, wow. Well, I mean, that was really sweet and all, but...maybe you should have kept that around. KRILLIN: What? Why? (shift over to Vegeta and Cell) CELL: Vegeta, this is the only chance you're going to get! If she slips away now, you'll never get the opportunity to fight me at my full potential. And let's be honest, do you really think Goku can give you the challenge you deserve? VEGETA: You know, the funny thing is, I know you're playin' me... But you're right. She's all yours! CELL: Oh, thank you, Vegeta! Trust me...great things are about to happen! (cut to The Lookout) PICCOLO: Oh, no...! Goddamn him! BULMA: Okay, now what did Vegeta do? PICCOLO: He's letting Cell absorb 18! TIEN: Well, looks like nobody wins... BULMA: Well, I technically do. (in a singsong tone) You guys owe me zeni.. PICCOLO: CELL IS GOING TO KILL US ALL!!! (there's a short pause and then baby Trunks begins to cry) MR. POPO: Geez, bring down the whole mood, why don't you? (cut back to the battlefield with Cell flying away from Vegeta) VEGETA: Make it snappy! The boy's gotta be in bed by seven or he gets cranky! (as Cell takes to the sky, his path gets blocked by Trunks, now in his Super Saiyan form) TRUNKS: Yeah, so, I'm gonna be the only voice of reason here and say ABSOLUTELY NOT! (Cell growls) Don't you get it?! He's just been feeding you everything you want to hear! He's playing you! CELL: To be fair, I haven't lied since I got here. TRUNKS: You're not involved in this anymore! CELL: I'm feeling pretty involved... VEGETA: Boy, don't make me come up there and be a parent! TRUNKS: First time for everything! VEGETA: Oh ho ho! CELL: Wow Vegeta, are you just gonna stand there and take the-- (stops talking as he looks down to the ground and starts groaning) TRUNKS: (thinking) Huh? Why is he doing that--? (looks at the direction Cell is looking and spots the Androids) Oh... Oh, no... (sees Krillin) W-wait, but there's Krillin! Does he have the-- (sees the smashed detonator) No...! But why?! He... Why?! But, the Android! Krillin... Crushed remote! But...could turn...perfect! Crushed! Why?! Krill--? But...twenty hours! (out loud at the top of his lungs, catching Krillin and the Androids' attention) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! KRILLIN: Oh, hey! It's Trunks! (Cell makes a break for 18, causing Krillin to scream) TRUNKS: I said ABSOLUTELY NOT! (intercepts Cell and kicks him) CELL: (thinking) Huh... Vegeta was right! He is almost as strong as--'' ''(gets hit by Trunks again and flies down into the ground) VEGETA: Look, if this is about getting your own turn in, just wait until I'm done with him! TRUNKS: Just ignore him. Krillin, get the Androids out of here now! KRILLIN: Don't need to tell me twice! Or at all, actually. Let's go! ANDROID 18: Right! 16, let's move! ANDROID 16: But I just got comfortable. ANDROID 18: 16! ANDROID 16: More importantly, Cell is only after you. I will slow you down. Now, go! ANDROID 18: Fine, but I'm coming back for you! (turns around and runs off) KRILLIN: (approaches 16) You're doing a brave thing. ANDROID 16: As are you. (Krillin runs off after 18) You are way out of your league, tiny duck. KRILLIN: So, hey, I know this isn't the best time, but, um, are, uh, you seeing anyone right now? (an explosion erupts ahead, knocking him and 18 back) CELL: (emerging from underground) She is... TRUNKS: There you are! (powers up and charges towards Cell) CELL: Vegeta, Trunks is picking on me! VEGETA: Learn to share, brat! (kicks Trunks into a plateau) CELL: That's better. Now, 18, I'm not sure I like you hanging around with other men. Or, in this case...half of one. KRILLIN: Oh, yeah, another short joke. Yeah, sure, fine. ANDROID 16: How about you leave the girl alone? (stands in front of Krillin and 18) CELL: Come on, 16, don't be so jealous. This is meant to be, and she knows it. Just look at what she's wearing... She's practically asking to be absorbed! KRILLIN: Okay, that line has been crossed! You wanna go, big guy? LET'S GO--! (springs forward to attack Cell, only to get tail-whipped into a wall) (Krillin Owned Count: 33) CELL: Oh, no, who would have seen that coming? Anyway-- (gets hit in the head by 16's fist) ...Really? (16 starts punching Cell repeatedly) Oh, you precious little cinnamon bun. Never change? (elbows 16 down to the ground and then 18 comes after him) (thinking) A oney and a twoey and a you-know-what-to-doey! (blasts 18, knocking her at a cliffside) (Trunks emerges from the ground and powers up) TRUNKS: That is it! I am stopping this now! VEGETA: '''Oh, what are ya doing? '''TRUNKS: '''What am I doing?! '''VEGETA: '''Thwartin' my plans? '''TRUNKS: '''Thwarting your plans?! '''VEGETA: Are you?! TRUNKS: ...You know what?! YES! (fires a massive blast at Vegeta, who screams as he gets carried into the sky, disappearing with a twinkle) KRILLIN: (sits up from under a pile of rubble) (thinking) Oh, God... If I had a nose, I'm pretty sure it'd be broken. (sees Cell approaching 18) (out loud) Ah! Oh, no... You leave her alone, or I swear I'll... ANDROID 16: No, little duckling! It is not your time! (Cell starts humming as he approaches 18 and opens the funnel of his tail. As Android 18 looks in utter shock and fear, Cell starts laughing.) TRUNKS: FUTURE KICK! CELL: Wha--? (gets knocked away by a kicked in the face from Trunks) TRUNKS: (stops in front of 18) BLOW YOURSELF UP OR LEAVE; I DON'T CARE WHICH! (takes off after Cell) ANDROID 18: ...Yeah, okay. CELL: I hope you know, this means war--! (gets repeatedly punched in the face by Trunks) Where's Vegeta? (Trunks kicks him in the face) (18 runs over to 16 and puts his arm around her shoulders to carry him off) ANDROID 18: Come on, 16, move it! ANDROID 16: Why...are you...still here? ANDROID 18: It's like 17 said, remember? The three amigos? Well, I guess more like...dos compadres, now... KRILLIN: (reaches his hand out to 18) Here, uh, allow me. I might not be good for much, but I can lift! ANDROID 18: (thinking) ...If we make it through this, I am going to rock his four-foot world. (cut to Vegeta floating on the surface of the ocean) VEGETA: Huh. This is a new feeling...pride in someone else. (wipes his face with his glove and sees he's bleeding) Unfortunately, it's overshadowed by all this UNYIELDING RAGE! (shoots out of the water) (shift to Trunks pulverizing Cell and then kicks him away) CELL: (thinking) Okay, THIS obviously isn't working! (sees Krillin, 16 and 18 preparing to make their escape and then looks at the sun) Wait, Tenshinhan got me into this... And now, he's going to get me out! (starts flying downward) TRUNKS: Uh, hey! (chases after Cell) (Cell flies in front of the sun) CELL: I've been so close for so long...and I can't take it anymore! 18, I'm coming! (Vegeta is seen flying back to the battle, growling) SOLAR FLARE! (blinds everyone) VEGETA: (thinking as he gets blinded) AH, MY RAGE HAS BLINDED ME! CELL: (flies down to the ground, passing a blinded Trunks) Now...for the climax! KRILLIN: (runs in front of the Androids, acting as a shield) I won't let him touch you! Just stay behind m-- (gets sent flying by a blast from Cell) GAAH! (Krillin Owned Count: 34) (18 shrieks and turns around as Cell approaches her and opens the funnel of his tail) ANDROID 18: 16! ANDROID 16: Yes? ANDROID 18: ...Look after the little guy. ANDROID 16: ...Confirmed. (18 dashes forward, only for Cell's tail to drop down and lets out a terrified scream. Trunks lands on the ground, regaining his eyesight and sees Cell undergoing his final transformation.) TRUNKS: (thinking) NO! ANDROID 16: (thinking) NO! KRILLIN: (thinking) NO! VEGETA: (thinking) YES! (Cell lets out an enormous shockwave that can be seen from the island) (cut to The Lookout) BULMA: Hey, so, I can't sense power levels, but I can feel THAT! Does that mean anything? PICCOLO: WE'RE F**KED! (back at the battlefield, Cell completes his Perfect form as everyone minus Vegeta looks in shock) PERFECT CELL: (lands on the ground and looks up in the sky) ♪"P" is for "priceless", the look upon your faces♪ ♪"E" is for "extinction", all your puny races♪ ♪"R" for "revolution", which will be televised♪ ♪"F" is for how "f**ked" you are, now allow me to repriiise♪ ♪"E" is for "eccentric", just listen to my song♪ ♪"C" is for "completion", that I waited for so long♪ ♪"T" is for the "terror", upon you I'll bestow♪ (chuckles) ♪My name is Perfect Cell, and I'd like to say...hello♪ ALTERNATE SCENE-- "...WHOOPS..." ANDROID 18: We haven't even killed anyone thus far! In fact, the only thing we want dead right now is Cell! ANDROID 16: Also Goku! KRILLIN: Oh... Thank God, that makes this so much easier! (accidentally hits the button of the detonator with his foot) ANDROID 18: Huh? (her head explodes) KRILLIN: AAH! OUTRO TRUNKS: Well, it looks like my father just killed us all. Make sure to catch what's coming to him by hitting the Subscribe button, so you can follow the rest of our ever-shortening lives. If you're in the mood for something else DragonBall-related, click the Legacy of Goku button right there, or check out our latest new series, Final Fantasy VII: Machinabridged, that's celebrating its first season finale. And while we're still alive, I'd like to give thanks to all the patrons of the Team Four Star Patreon campaign! Apparently, it's made everything much easier for them to work on, and for that, they thank you! If you'd like to check out the campaign yourself, feel free to click the Patreon button or head to patreon.com/tfs. Have a Happy New Year, folks. It may be the last one...